You can't control how the other parent writes to you. You can control how you reply. Every message you send could one day be read by a mediator or a judge, so write like it will be.

A simple method many family lawyers recommend is BIFF: keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (Eddy 2014).

• Brief: a few sentences. Long replies invite long arguments.

• Informative: stick to facts about the kids. Times, dates, school, health.

• Friendly: a polite opening or closing. It lowers the temperature.

• Firm: state what you're doing and end the conversation. No open questions that invite a fight.

Example

Thanks for letting me know. I'll pick the kids up from school at 3.15pm on Friday as usual. I'll bring their sports gear.

What helps

• Wait before replying to anything that makes you angry. An hour, or until tomorrow.

• Don't reply to insults or old arguments. Answer only the part about the kids.

• Never send messages through the children.

• Use one channel, ideally a co-parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents, so there's a clear record.

Find out more: Family Relationships Online · High Conflict Institute: BIFF